Tabloid Fodder

Reading the tabloids in the front of the grocery store, out loud, but to himself..."16 crazy sex moves?" 

He turns to me:  "Do you want to know 16 crazy sex moves?"

Me: "No, I don't use the 2 that I already know."

Wedding Registry

Looking at a dark brown duvet at Crate & Barrel. 

Boyfriend: "Do you like this?"
Me: "No"
Boyfriend: "I do. Come back here and convince me Why not."
Me: Leaning in close..."You'll never be able to lay in bed naked because spunk will show up everywhere."
Boyfriend: "But shit won't."
Me: "And you plan on shitting in the bed?"

What's Your Porn Name?

"I don't understand American politics. What is up with all of these politicians using their porn names to run for office? Seriously? Newt Gingrich...Mitt Romney...those can't be real names."

Holding a mirror up to reality.

Stated as we walk out of a restaurant..."I think these pants are getting a little big on me, I bought them at my fattest."

I look down to see which ones he is wearing...."Aren't those the ones you just bought last month?"

2nd choice is flattering, right?

Me: He was the first Englishman I fell in love with.
Boyfriend: "Who?"
Me: James Blunt.
Boyfriend: "Well, good thing he wasn't available."

Raising 'em right

At the sand pit, [my child] comes over and asks for one of her shoes.
Boyfriend: "What for?"
My Child: "To kill a spider."
Boyfriend: "Do you think God would want you to kill that spider?"
My Child: "I think God would want me to be me."
Boyfriend: "Well, just as long as 'you' is a small, spider killing psychopath."

Dessert or not to desert?

While trying to prove that he doesn't know everything, my 6 year old daughter starts questioning him on what a whole bunch of words mean. At the end of our meal, she asks "What does dessert mean?"

Boyfriend's reply: "It means after starting a diet, you eat one salad, and then decide to desert your diet."

In sickness and in health...

"Jones'n for some crack?"

Me: huh?

"You look like a shivering crack whore."

(Stated as I sat curled up on the couch, trying to get warm under a blanket, as I go back and forth between shivering cold and burning up from being sick.)

Lowered Expectations

"I deserve a guy like that."

Stated as we left the movie theatre after dragging him kicking and screaming to see The Vow.

My perfect woman...

"You're my perfect girl....short sighted and very patient."

Genetic deafness.

"Huh? What? Oh, no. I think I'm losing my hearing like my father."

Oh, is that what I have to look forward to?

"I've told you before, men don't get more lovely with time."

I'm looking forward to repeating myself two and three times.

"I'm looking forward to the quietness."

Tax Time

"Who do I make this check out to?"

Me: I don't know, it should say it on your tax filing form.

"Oh right, Indiana Department of Revenue...and Bastards".

Me: I think they'd still cash it.

Yeah, that's EXACTLY what I want to do with my time.

"You can be a crafty woman once you have your time back, you could like...dust and shit."

Giving me suggestions on what I can do with all my time once I am no longer commuting 3 hours a day.

5 leaf clovers

"To be honest, there are far more 5 leaf clovers than there are beds that I've had sex in."

Stated when we were talking about the girl he dated before me, and I asked him if he had sex with her in the bed we now share together (because I think I would burn it!).

Whitewater rafting

"Dating you is like white water rafting...scary as hell, but intensely rewarding."

Killing Dreams

Boyfriend: "Wouldn't it be lovely to own a dairy farm and make cheese."
Me: Have you ever worked on a farm? It's hard work!
Boyfriend: "Way to kill my dreams. Any others you can kill?"
Me: I don't know, keep pitching them, and I'll knock them down one by one.
Boyfriend: "Astronaut?"
Me: You're too old. Go on.

Proper Filing

Me: I would never go in a hot air balloon. Never.
Boyfriend: "Why not?"
Me: I'm deathly afraid of heights.
Boyfriend: "Oh yeah, you keep telling me that, and I keep filing it away under Don't Give A F#ck."