"Hookers or crack. To be honest, I'd take the crack."

As we're going to bed, we were talking about how tired we are, and I mentioned that I was falling asleep while looking up possible Birthday presents for him.

"Oh, is that what you were doing?" He asked.

Yep.

"Well, I don't think you could go wrong with illegal street drugs or prostitutes."

Oh, is that what you want?

"Hookers or crack. To be honest, I'd take the crack."

Yeah, that sounds appealing.

I'm really tired, I just want to go to bed. You had a nap today.

"I'll be quick."

No. Don't touch me.

"Come on, that's practically foreplay."

Saying you'll be quick? Yeah, that makes it sound appealing.

The Perfect Coach

"I think I need a life coach, like Charlie Sheen, or something like that."

Really? Charlie Sheen?

"Yeah, he's Winning, isn't he?!"

Colon Talk

"I just have a vocal colon, that's it."

His defense when I told him he is no longer allowed to eat refried beans ever again. Ever.

Old People Sex

"Do you think we could pay someone to move my hips up and down so we could have sex?"

Asked after a long day of moving, when we were absolutely exhausted.

B. U. R. I. E. D.

In a UHaul where it's hard to hear, we pass a cemetery.

Me: I don't want to be buried, I want to be cremated.
Him: Married?
Me: No, buried. b.u.r.i.e.d.
Him: Oh, yeah, right. I thought the two were a bit extreme.