Teaching the Cat

As the cat sits on the floor licking his ass, my husband points to him and says to me...

"You taught him that."

Friends

Me:  I want to be friends with Jon Stewart. 

Husband:  "I'd marry him. You could even have sex with him while I watched."

Me:  Ummm...Not those kind of friends. 

Skype Interview

In preparing for my first Skype interview, I throw out a hypothetical question to my PHD, highly respected, chemist husband...

Me:  What would you do if you were getting ready to have a Skype interview with a job candidate and the Skype connection begins and you're staring into video of your candidate in a full suit and a Halloween mask?

Husband:  Very long pause...."I'd go back to Chat Roulette, I'd rather see dicks."

Moody Love

"Just because you're not in the mood...

....doesn't mean we can't make love."

Work Hours

In discussing the his 10 year career path...

"I'm not sure if I'll be there for that long."

Why not?

"The sofa has better hours."

Lefties

In discussing the possibility of our 8 month old being a lefty, I read a list of facts about lefties. The husband was pointing out that lefties tend to be smarter and more successful, while I point out some of the downsides, like this:  

The Boston Strangler, Jack the Ripper, and Osama Bin Laden were lefties.

To which he replied...."And also at the top of their field."

Match.com

In discussing dating options for our friends..

"Hookers and crack. It's worth considering. And probably cheaper than Match.com."

Disclaimer:  We met on Match.com. 

Potty break

Hippie

In discussing the long hair, grunge look he had going on in college, I stated, "Just so you know, I wouldn't have dated you back then."

To which he replied, "Just so you know...I wouldn't have dated you back then either."

Me in disbelief, "Why?"

"Because you would have been 10."

Frying

After my attempt to make polenta fries that sucked.

"I don't think it's a bad thing that you're awful at making fried foods. It could be the death of us if you were good at it."

Water boarding

You're basically water boarding that baby with boobs that size. 

Minge?

"I thought the role was one inch below minge base."

His take on the fingertip rule for girls' skirts/dresses. 

Abuse

"Don't just verbally abuse them, you need to physically abuse them too. It's a 50/50 mix. You're missing a trick there."

His response to me accidentally telling my daughter's class to "shut up" instead of "be quiet". 

Barley

Me:  The baby really loves these, they're just dried fruit. 

Him:  Pointing...this is just barley. 

Goodnight kisses

His attempt to give me a goodnight kiss while he was sick and still contagious...and my response. 

Strip Mall

What would you like to see in the strip mall?   I'd like to see a Chinese restaurant.

"Strippers."

Yogi

"Did you know handguns are like $1,000?"

Me:  What do you need a handgun for?

"Some fucker just went all Rambo again."

Me:  And?

"What if a bear broke in?  How would I protect you?"

Me:  Offer it a pot of honey. 

Lowered Expectations

"Oxford's out, Purdue's in."

His response after he accidentally let our 7 month old fall over from a sitting position and bump his head. 

Good Friday

"At this point, I'd rather have a vasectomy than go to work. It sounds like a good Friday to me."

His response when I asked him to please get his vasectomy before the end of the year, so we don't have to pay our deductible again. 

Duvet winching

"I always end up on a sliver of the bed with no covers. The answer to that is duvet winching. It's where you slowly steal the covers back inch by inch, while pushing her back to her side of the bed. If she ends up on the floor, you've pushed too hard."

Self defense

"Fight to win...that kid should be blind."

This was his response when I told him that our daughter got in trouble at school for defending herself from a boy that hit her with a stick. 

Death by Coffee

After bringing me a cup of coffee in bed, I thanked him sincerely and told him I love him. 

His response:  If you died, I'd still make 2 cups of coffee. I've just got used to it every morning...I'd probably just drink yours too. 

Gee, thanks for making me feel special babe!

To Labor or Not To Labor

January 9, 2013

"Do you feel a great need to crawl up behind the sofa?"

His effort to access whether or not was going into labor.  It took me a minute...I then informed him that I am NOT a cat, and will not be having a litter behind the couch!

Long time no see

Well hello! It's been awhile since I've added content here, but I'm hoping to get back to updating regularly. I had a small BIG problem with my google account getting spoofed. It wasn't until I stopped updating this, that it stopped getting spoofed. I'm not sure why that was happening, but I'm hoping that google has fixed it now. A lot has changed since I last added an entry. For one, he's no longer my boyfriend...he's now my husband! Yep, he put a ring on it...and then knocked me up. ;-) Our son is now 7 months old. Wow, time has flown. While I haven't added content here, there's been a TON of funny shit that I've added on my personal Facebook page. I'm hoping to go through there and transfer a lot of it here. Let's just say that through pregnancy, birth, and have a newborn I was miserable, but he thought he was funny as hell! So sit back, and enjoy!