I love toilets

While thanking him for the contribution that he gives to our family...

"Well, someone has to do the toilets."

"Thank you. I really appreciate it. I hate doing toilets...and the cat litter."

"See. That's where we're good...because I fucking love doing toilets and the cat litter."

Courage

"I now appreciate that not every meal has to be a test of courage.  The best way to loose weight might be to leave the head/bones/internal organs/extremities on the plate. It certainly helps me loose my appetite."

An email I received when he was on his way home from Shanghai China. 

Lean Management

After describing the massive amounts of food everyone had at his work dinner, he states, "Lean management is out of the question."

Yeah, I don't think that's what they mean by lean management. 

Talking Two's

Teaching 2 year old to talk.  This month's sentence..."I'm why we can't have nice things". 

Football (Not of the American variety)

Hubs kicked the soccer ball softly to boy child, which proceeded to barely brush boy child's leg as it passed him. To which...child yells "Ow" and then proceeds to lay on the ground like he was hurt. Husband's response..."Apparently he's Italian".

Public Transport

Hand Warmer

Me:  My hands are so cold. 

Him:  Stick them in my pants, that will warm them up. 

Me: No. 

Him:  There's a 5 pound note down there. 

Me:  If you think I'm so cheap that I'm motivated by $5, you are mistaken. 

Him:  I know you'd do it for less if I placed a chocolate down there. 

Coke's the answer

While watching a British documentary on obesity and the marketing of food and the industry I commented that if we're going to use regulation to lose weight, why don't we make a mandatory exercise hour in the workplace...wouldn't it be more effective. 

His reply...want effective weight loss, make cigarettes cheaper and coke legal. 

Perfect. 

Honey

Me:  Look at this beautiful raw honey. Isn't it pretty?

Him:  Does it smell like wild flowers?

Me:  It smells like honey. 

Him after taking a whiff:  It smells like a bee's ass. 

Sausagefest

"Sausagefest. It's like college all over again. Didn't anybody invite any girls to this party?!"

In noticing that our infant son's daycare class has all boys and only one girl. 

Teaching the Cat

As the cat sits on the floor licking his ass, my husband points to him and says to me...

"You taught him that."

Friends

Me:  I want to be friends with Jon Stewart. 

Husband:  "I'd marry him. You could even have sex with him while I watched."

Me:  Ummm...Not those kind of friends. 

Skype Interview

In preparing for my first Skype interview, I throw out a hypothetical question to my PHD, highly respected, chemist husband...

Me:  What would you do if you were getting ready to have a Skype interview with a job candidate and the Skype connection begins and you're staring into video of your candidate in a full suit and a Halloween mask?

Husband:  Very long pause...."I'd go back to Chat Roulette, I'd rather see dicks."

Moody Love

"Just because you're not in the mood...

....doesn't mean we can't make love."

Work Hours

In discussing the his 10 year career path...

"I'm not sure if I'll be there for that long."

Why not?

"The sofa has better hours."

Lefties

In discussing the possibility of our 8 month old being a lefty, I read a list of facts about lefties. The husband was pointing out that lefties tend to be smarter and more successful, while I point out some of the downsides, like this:  

The Boston Strangler, Jack the Ripper, and Osama Bin Laden were lefties.

To which he replied...."And also at the top of their field."

Match.com

In discussing dating options for our friends..

"Hookers and crack. It's worth considering. And probably cheaper than Match.com."

Disclaimer:  We met on Match.com. 

Potty break

Hippie

In discussing the long hair, grunge look he had going on in college, I stated, "Just so you know, I wouldn't have dated you back then."

To which he replied, "Just so you know...I wouldn't have dated you back then either."

Me in disbelief, "Why?"

"Because you would have been 10."

Frying

After my attempt to make polenta fries that sucked.

"I don't think it's a bad thing that you're awful at making fried foods. It could be the death of us if you were good at it."