The Perfect Coach

"I think I need a life coach, like Charlie Sheen, or something like that."

Really? Charlie Sheen?

"Yeah, he's Winning, isn't he?!"

Colon Talk

"I just have a vocal colon, that's it."

His defense when I told him he is no longer allowed to eat refried beans ever again. Ever.

Old People Sex

"Do you think we could pay someone to move my hips up and down so we could have sex?"

Asked after a long day of moving, when we were absolutely exhausted.

B. U. R. I. E. D.

In a UHaul where it's hard to hear, we pass a cemetery.

Me: I don't want to be buried, I want to be cremated.
Him: Married?
Me: No, buried. b.u.r.i.e.d.
Him: Oh, yeah, right. I thought the two were a bit extreme.

Sumo sex

"With the amount of steak I've had, I'm afraid it'd be like two sumo wrestlers."

Reflections

"There's a fair indication that you're about to die, just by looking in the mirror. Who needs costly medical scanners?"

His comment when looking at a picture on a Celebrity News site, about a recently passed away actor.

@ss Grease

Yeah, that WAS the quote. That was what he referred to my hand lotion as he moved it for the 100th time while cleaning.