Dangerous, unpredictable psychopath.

Me:  I love you, but I also respect you. 
Him: "I love you but you're a dangerous and unpredictable psychopath.  Now let's go to bed. Please don't hurt me."

Skype Face-palm

Me: I love that panoramic view picture that you took of Germany! I'd love to have that blown up.

"Well, that's what we tried to do in the war."

Things you shouldn't say sober.

"You're so lovely, you give me a boner."

Bat Sh!t Crazy

"Every woman is bat shit crazy. It's just the balance of how often that side shows. You have a good balance."

Misguided

Me: I didn't get to spend your whole birthday with you, so we're still celebrating. I'm making breakfast.
Him: "Everyday is my birthday with you."
Me: Even on the days when I'm a bitch?
Him: "You're never a bitch, just sometimes misguided."

"Hookers or crack. To be honest, I'd take the crack."

As we're going to bed, we were talking about how tired we are, and I mentioned that I was falling asleep while looking up possible Birthday presents for him.

"Oh, is that what you were doing?" He asked.

Yep.

"Well, I don't think you could go wrong with illegal street drugs or prostitutes."

Oh, is that what you want?

"Hookers or crack. To be honest, I'd take the crack."

Yeah, that sounds appealing.

I'm really tired, I just want to go to bed. You had a nap today.

"I'll be quick."

No. Don't touch me.

"Come on, that's practically foreplay."

Saying you'll be quick? Yeah, that makes it sound appealing.