Water boarding

You're basically water boarding that baby with boobs that size. 

Minge?

"I thought the role was one inch below minge base."

His take on the fingertip rule for girls' skirts/dresses. 

Abuse

"Don't just verbally abuse them, you need to physically abuse them too. It's a 50/50 mix. You're missing a trick there."

His response to me accidentally telling my daughter's class to "shut up" instead of "be quiet". 

Barley

Me:  The baby really loves these, they're just dried fruit. 

Him:  Pointing...this is just barley. 

Goodnight kisses

His attempt to give me a goodnight kiss while he was sick and still contagious...and my response. 

Strip Mall

What would you like to see in the strip mall?   I'd like to see a Chinese restaurant.

"Strippers."

Yogi

"Did you know handguns are like $1,000?"

Me:  What do you need a handgun for?

"Some fucker just went all Rambo again."

Me:  And?

"What if a bear broke in?  How would I protect you?"

Me:  Offer it a pot of honey.