Public Transport

Hand Warmer

Me:  My hands are so cold. 

Him:  Stick them in my pants, that will warm them up. 

Me: No. 

Him:  There's a 5 pound note down there. 

Me:  If you think I'm so cheap that I'm motivated by $5, you are mistaken. 

Him:  I know you'd do it for less if I placed a chocolate down there. 

Coke's the answer

While watching a British documentary on obesity and the marketing of food and the industry I commented that if we're going to use regulation to lose weight, why don't we make a mandatory exercise hour in the workplace...wouldn't it be more effective. 

His reply...want effective weight loss, make cigarettes cheaper and coke legal. 

Perfect. 

Honey

Me:  Look at this beautiful raw honey. Isn't it pretty?

Him:  Does it smell like wild flowers?

Me:  It smells like honey. 

Him after taking a whiff:  It smells like a bee's ass. 

Sausagefest

"Sausagefest. It's like college all over again. Didn't anybody invite any girls to this party?!"

In noticing that our infant son's daycare class has all boys and only one girl. 

Teaching the Cat

As the cat sits on the floor licking his ass, my husband points to him and says to me...

"You taught him that."

Friends

Me:  I want to be friends with Jon Stewart. 

Husband:  "I'd marry him. You could even have sex with him while I watched."

Me:  Ummm...Not those kind of friends.