Gun

"I think I may get a gun."

Why?

"To see if it gives me a hard on."

Fire is the answer.

"Introduce matches."

His solution when I texted him "Watching [child's name] decide whether she wants to give each book away or not is torturous!! She gives all of the pros and cons of each, and then why she made the decision she did...for.each.and.every.single.book!!!"

Sweat shop

Normally I give the quote, and then explain later, but this definitely needs some background first.

I sent him this picture with the below caption.

I told [Child's name] that I had a job for her to do, and she moaned and said she didn't want a job. So, then I told her I had an opportunity for her...to clean the hearth. She was actually excited when I told her it was an opportunity. LOL

He replied: "Sucker"

Then, I sent him this and the following caption.

She said she thought she did so well at cleaning the hearth that she thinks she's big enough to use a mop. Have at it kid!

And that's when he replied:

"Why are we bothered about shoes that are made by little slave kids, they think it's a game..."

Athlete's Foot

"I don't know, if a fungus latches on to you, you're his whole world. It's kind of nice. Out of all the places he could live, he's chosen me."

His defense of athlete's foot.

Turban

"What? I'm secure in my masculinity. Don't look at me like that. What? It makes me look like I've got hair."

Stated as he walks out of the shower with a towel on his head, after I looked at him with a questionary look, wondering what hair he thought he may be drying.

Cats

"Cats, naturally, in the wild, produce chocolate milk."

His argument for giving my cat chocolate milk, after I told him my cat doesn't like milk.

Doncha Wish

"Should I be in some kind of gay floor show?"

Stated as he dances across the floor in just a T-shirt, underwear, and a pair of dress socks in the most feminine manner he could muster to the song I was blasting...Doncha by the Pussycat Dolls, while mouthing the words.

My reply: Yes.