"With the amount of steak I've had, I'm afraid it'd be like two sumo wrestlers."

"There's a fair indication that you're about to die, just by looking in the mirror. Who needs costly medical scanners?" ...

Yeah, that WAS the quote. That was what he referred to my hand lotion as he moved it for the 100th time while cleaning.

"I think I may get a gun." Why? "To see if it gives me a hard on."

"Introduce matches." His solution when I texted him "Watching [child's name] decide whether she wants to give each book...

Normally I give the quote, and then explain later, but this definitely needs some background first. I sent him this picture with the below...

"I don't know, if a fungus latches on to you, you're his whole world. It's kind of nice. Out of all the places he could l...