Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Hand Warmer

Me:  My hands are so cold. 
Him:  Stick them in my pants, that will warm them up. 
Me: No. 
Him:  There's a 5 pound note down there. 
Me:  If you think I'm so cheap that I'm motivated by $5, you are mistaken. 
Him:  I know you'd do it for less if I placed a chocolate down there. 

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Coke's the answer

While watching a British documentary on obesity and the marketing of food and the industry I commented that if we're going to use regulation to lose weight, why don't we make a mandatory exercise hour in the workplace...wouldn't it be more effective. 

His reply...want effective weight loss, make cigarettes cheaper and coke legal. 

Perfect. 

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Honey

Me:  Look at this beautiful raw honey. Isn't it pretty?

Him:  Does it smell like wild flowers?

Me:  It smells like honey. 

Him after taking a whiff:  It smells like a bee's ass. 

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Sausagefest

"Sausagefest. It's like college all over again. Didn't anybody invite any girls to this party?!"

In noticing that our infant son's daycare class has all boys and only one girl. 

Monday, November 18, 2013

Teaching the Cat

As the cat sits on the floor licking his ass, my husband points to him and says to me...

"You taught him that."

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Friends

Me:  I want to be friends with Jon Stewart. 

Husband:  "I'd marry him. You could even have sex with him while I watched."

Me:  Ummm...Not those kind of friends. 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Skype Interview

In preparing for my first Skype interview, I throw out a hypothetical question to my PHD, highly respected, chemist husband...

Me:  What would you do if you were getting ready to have a Skype interview with a job candidate and the Skype connection begins and you're staring into video of your candidate in a full suit and a Halloween mask?

Husband:  Very long pause...."I'd go back to Chat Roulette, I'd rather see dicks."