You're what I always wanted...

"i love you so much. You're what I always wanted...a lovely, nagging, bitchy girlfriend.". Said with a huge grin, and love in his eyes as he gave me a sweet kiss on my neck.

Trick or Treating

"Trick or treating is an American thing, I'll be honest with you, it's begging.  If a homeless man dressed up as Batman, would you give him candy?"

Dangerous, unpredictable psychopath.

Me:  I love you, but I also respect you. 
Him: "I love you but you're a dangerous and unpredictable psychopath.  Now let's go to bed. Please don't hurt me."

Skype Face-palm

Me: I love that panoramic view picture that you took of Germany! I'd love to have that blown up.

"Well, that's what we tried to do in the war."

Things you shouldn't say sober.

"You're so lovely, you give me a boner."

Bat Sh!t Crazy

"Every woman is bat shit crazy. It's just the balance of how often that side shows. You have a good balance."

Misguided

Me: I didn't get to spend your whole birthday with you, so we're still celebrating. I'm making breakfast.
Him: "Everyday is my birthday with you."
Me: Even on the days when I'm a bitch?
Him: "You're never a bitch, just sometimes misguided."

"Hookers or crack. To be honest, I'd take the crack."

As we're going to bed, we were talking about how tired we are, and I mentioned that I was falling asleep while looking up possible Birthday presents for him.

"Oh, is that what you were doing?" He asked.

Yep.

"Well, I don't think you could go wrong with illegal street drugs or prostitutes."

Oh, is that what you want?

"Hookers or crack. To be honest, I'd take the crack."

Yeah, that sounds appealing.

I'm really tired, I just want to go to bed. You had a nap today.

"I'll be quick."

No. Don't touch me.

"Come on, that's practically foreplay."

Saying you'll be quick? Yeah, that makes it sound appealing.

The Perfect Coach

"I think I need a life coach, like Charlie Sheen, or something like that."

Really? Charlie Sheen?

"Yeah, he's Winning, isn't he?!"

Colon Talk

"I just have a vocal colon, that's it."

His defense when I told him he is no longer allowed to eat refried beans ever again. Ever.

Old People Sex

"Do you think we could pay someone to move my hips up and down so we could have sex?"

Asked after a long day of moving, when we were absolutely exhausted.

B. U. R. I. E. D.

In a UHaul where it's hard to hear, we pass a cemetery.

Me: I don't want to be buried, I want to be cremated.
Him: Married?
Me: No, buried. b.u.r.i.e.d.
Him: Oh, yeah, right. I thought the two were a bit extreme.

Sumo sex

"With the amount of steak I've had, I'm afraid it'd be like two sumo wrestlers."

Reflections

"There's a fair indication that you're about to die, just by looking in the mirror. Who needs costly medical scanners?"

His comment when looking at a picture on a Celebrity News site, about a recently passed away actor.

@ss Grease

Yeah, that WAS the quote. That was what he referred to my hand lotion as he moved it for the 100th time while cleaning.

Gun

"I think I may get a gun."

Why?

"To see if it gives me a hard on."

Fire is the answer.

"Introduce matches."

His solution when I texted him "Watching [child's name] decide whether she wants to give each book away or not is torturous!! She gives all of the pros and cons of each, and then why she made the decision she did...for.each.and.every.single.book!!!"

Sweat shop

Normally I give the quote, and then explain later, but this definitely needs some background first.

I sent him this picture with the below caption.

I told [Child's name] that I had a job for her to do, and she moaned and said she didn't want a job. So, then I told her I had an opportunity for her...to clean the hearth. She was actually excited when I told her it was an opportunity. LOL

He replied: "Sucker"

Then, I sent him this and the following caption.

She said she thought she did so well at cleaning the hearth that she thinks she's big enough to use a mop. Have at it kid!

And that's when he replied:

"Why are we bothered about shoes that are made by little slave kids, they think it's a game..."

Athlete's Foot

"I don't know, if a fungus latches on to you, you're his whole world. It's kind of nice. Out of all the places he could live, he's chosen me."

His defense of athlete's foot.

Turban

"What? I'm secure in my masculinity. Don't look at me like that. What? It makes me look like I've got hair."

Stated as he walks out of the shower with a towel on his head, after I looked at him with a questionary look, wondering what hair he thought he may be drying.

Cats

"Cats, naturally, in the wild, produce chocolate milk."

His argument for giving my cat chocolate milk, after I told him my cat doesn't like milk.

Doncha Wish

"Should I be in some kind of gay floor show?"

Stated as he dances across the floor in just a T-shirt, underwear, and a pair of dress socks in the most feminine manner he could muster to the song I was blasting...Doncha by the Pussycat Dolls, while mouthing the words.

My reply: Yes.

Pretty

"Well, you look very pretty for someone who's so mean and nasty."

His idea of a compliment when I was in a bad mood.

Aren't I lucky?

"Just nuked the toilet in potbelly. Needed to tell somebody."

Me: Huh? And you chose me?

"Yep."

More hair.

"An elephant can no more get it's trunk up it's ass, than I can grow more hair."

-Commenting on his reduced hairline.

Foreplay

"Do it. ...technically that's foreplay. You know...shouting Do it."

Wiping

"Fuck wiping, it's bringing down the rain forest"

In agreement with my 5 year old when she was whining about me making her wipe herself.

Sex Industry

"Stepping out of the gene pool, and getting scooped up by the sex industry."
In reference to him being a shy guy, and not hitting on women in bars.