Tabloid Fodder

Reading the tabloids in the front of the grocery store, out loud, but to himself..."16 crazy sex moves?" 

He turns to me:  "Do you want to know 16 crazy sex moves?"

Me: "No, I don't use the 2 that I already know."

Wedding Registry

Looking at a dark brown duvet at Crate & Barrel. 

Boyfriend: "Do you like this?"
Me: "No"
Boyfriend: "I do. Come back here and convince me Why not."
Me: Leaning in close..."You'll never be able to lay in bed naked because spunk will show up everywhere."
Boyfriend: "But shit won't."
Me: "And you plan on shitting in the bed?"

What's Your Porn Name?

"I don't understand American politics. What is up with all of these politicians using their porn names to run for office? Seriously? Newt Gingrich...Mitt Romney...those can't be real names."

Holding a mirror up to reality.

Stated as we walk out of a restaurant..."I think these pants are getting a little big on me, I bought them at my fattest."

I look down to see which ones he is wearing...."Aren't those the ones you just bought last month?"

2nd choice is flattering, right?

Me: He was the first Englishman I fell in love with.
Boyfriend: "Who?"
Me: James Blunt.
Boyfriend: "Well, good thing he wasn't available."

Raising 'em right

At the sand pit, [my child] comes over and asks for one of her shoes.
Boyfriend: "What for?"
My Child: "To kill a spider."
Boyfriend: "Do you think God would want you to kill that spider?"
My Child: "I think God would want me to be me."
Boyfriend: "Well, just as long as 'you' is a small, spider killing psychopath."